A Million Ways to Die in the West (Seth MacFarlane, 2014)

2/10
I don't particularly love Seth MacFarlane and didn't much care for his first feature attempt, Ted, either. But in that movie and Family Guy and his other projects he's shown a rare ability to craft a hilarious line that catches you completely off-guard. Almost none of that wit is on display at any time here. Frankly I have a hard time figuring out what MacFarlane was trying to do with this movie. At times A Million Ways almost seems to be a real movie, what with how seriously it takes its central love triangle (MacFarlane, barely doing anything resembling acting, torn between two beautiful blondes, Charlize Theron and Amanda Seyfried). The problem is the love triangle isn't interesting, and there are oddly long stretches where the movie doesn't even try to be funny. There are pacing issues as well, and the movie feels sloppily cobbled together. Sarah Silverman and Giovanni Ribisi figure heavily into the opening 20ish minutes and then are practically gone from the movie until the very end. Liam Neeson brings some gruff charm as the villain but he's not in the movie very much either and can't come close to saving it.
But the biggest let down is the humor, or lack thereof. When it is there, it's just not funny - most of the jokes are feeble at best when MacFarlane usually, if nothing else, at least goes for shock value. That the two biggest laughs are supposed to come from Neil Patrick Harris taking a dump in a cowboy hat and a close-up of MacFarlane's face getting urinated on by a sheep are proof of just how badly the mark is missed. These are sub-Farrelly brothers moves, getting dangerously close to Tom Green territory. MacFarlane is capable of much better and the cast he assembled here probably deserved better too.

Now You See Me (Louis Leterrier, 2013)

2/10
I thought this looked fun when I saw the previews, so I recorded it off the movie channel the other day. I was very wrong. In fact, it's kind of shocking just how not fun Now You See Me is, considering its premise and cast. In the course of plotting its con-artist magicians versus its FBI agents, it somehow leaves the human element entirely by the wayside and strands you without a single character on either side to cheer for. The FBI agents (featuring a truly horrible performance by Mark Ruffalo) are stubborn and unlikeable, and its four magicians were probably sketched as anti-heroes on paper, but just come off as smug jerks, to a man. And Morgan Freeman is around to play the wry old man caught in the middle in a shtick you got tired of fifteen years ago.
So with no rooting interest on either side, we have to look to the plotting of the story to find some entertainment, but even that's a dud. The movie doesn't so much deceive the audience with a series of clever illusions to keep them on their toes as much as it outright insults them and jerks them around with one groan inducing twist (or lie) after another. It seems to be desperately struggling to justify its own existence but just becomes progressively more ludicrous and unlikeable.

Szamanka (Andrzej Zulawski, 1996)

2/10
Andrej Zulawski is most known internationally for Possession, an 80's body horror flick starring Isabelle Adjani in a crazily over the top role. I found that movie flawed, but interesting.
I didn't know much about Szamanka going in but I knew Zulawski would be on hand to accept a lifetime achievement award from Fantasia so I decided that would be worth seeing in itself. It was, but unfortunately, the movie was not. Possession was flawed but interesting (a trait in movies I can tolerate and have for many years) but Szamanka was flawed and uninteresting, a fatal combo. It features another crazily over the top performance from its lead actress, but never goes anywhere interesting with it. She meets with an anthropology professor who has unearthed a 2000-year old shaman, and the movie mostly details their crazed, illogical love affair, with lots and lots of wild sex.
I'll give this movie one point for its soundtrack which, although annoyingly repetitive, features some cool tunes, and another point for actually being kind of funny at times, in its silliness. But overall...pass.
I have another movie to see in this little Zulawski retrospective, L'amour Braque. Hopefully it's a lot better

Never Let Me Go (Mark Romanek, 2010)

2/10
This movie, something like a cross between The Notebook and Blade Runner, was a near-total dud for me. The cinematography was quite nice and the acting was fine - nothing else was enjoyable. The direction and editing was especially mechanical, with scenes broken up into 20-second chunks existing solely for characters to explain a plot point, then cut, and repeat (especially in the beginning). The script (adapted from a popular novel) is wooden and predictable from start to finish. None of the characters really say or do anything that feels believable, and I felt absolutely nothing for any of the people I was supposed to feel something for. Carey Mulligan, so good in An Education, seems wasted here - she spends her screentime moping around and looking cute. Andrew Garfield is fine despite his character being a string of clichés. Overall a major disappointment.

Vanilla Sky (Cameron Crowe, 2001)

2/10
I'll give it two points for Penelope Cruz who alone manages to not make the entire film a waste of 2 hours. This is the kind of movie where the longer it goes and as more is revealed, the less interested and more frustrated you become with where things are going. For director Cameron Crowe, this is the kind of career misfire on par with Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain - the difference is Aronofsky seems to have recovered with The Wrestler while Crowe (according to dismal reviews for Elizabethtown) has not and even though this is a remake, he deserves his share of blame. Every single "twist" is telegraphed well before it happens, and the amount of pop culture references combined with the over-bearing, all-too-hip soundtrack is sickening. The scene with Tom Cruise shouting "TECH SUPPOOOOORRRT!!!" while "Good Vibrations" blares in the background was probably seen by somebody involved as some sort of ironic zenith of surrealism - it is embarassing and hilarious in equal turns. And lines like "but I'm blowing your mind, aren't I" and "your panel of observers is waiting for you to choose" smack of pure pretention. What a waste.

Step Brothers (Adam McKay, 2008)

2/10
I thought comedies were supposed to make the viewer laugh. Was I missing something? The script was lousy and both Ferrell and Reilly seemed to be sleepwalking (not a reference to their painfully unfunny sleepwalking habits in the movie). The jokes all sound like they're crafted to become campus quotables ala Anchorman but Anchorman was naturally funny, this one was just stupid.

National Lampoon's Van Wilder (Walt Becker, 2002)

2/10
There were a couple of funny bits (I had to laugh at the eclair scene, come on) but for the most part it was just bad. And surprisingly racist, or at the least aggressively stereotypical. Ryan Reynolds was like a fourth-rate Jim Carrey circa Ace Ventura and the plot was just completely absurd. And really, Tara Reid as the "it girl"?

Godzilla (Roland Emmerich, 1998)

2/10
Haha okay kind of a step down from the other two classics but it was on late last night and I felt like turning my brain off so I watched it and yeah it's as awful as I'd heard. So many things wrong with it but I just loved how Godzilla was this 900-foot monster or whatever, could swat helicopters out of the sky, yet couldn't catch a freaking taxi.

Nowhere (Gregg Araki, 1997)

2/10
One of those movies I caught late at night on Moviepix and saw a lot of young actors I recognized (Ryan Philippe, Heather Graham, Christina Applegate, Mena Suvari, Guillermo Diaz, etc) so I just had to keep watching till the end to see what it was all about. It could have been a decent commentary on the state of bored, drug- and sex-obsessed teenagers but instead a stupid, inexplicable subplot involving some sort of alien invasion runs throughout and basically undermines any intelligence or "message" the film is trying to convey, especially at the end. Maybe that was the point.